Bitter Enclosure

Do you ever have those day
Where it seems like curling up in a ball
And sobbing is something you think you need
To feel so trapped inside a box
Frustrated that there's no way out
Putting forth effort with minimal results?
This is my day, sometimes my life
I wish there were a key to this prison.

Icing

It's raining ice
A subtle reflection of my mood
Falling and striking down
Melting where it lands
Melting cold
Unlike the hot tears
That have flowed this morning
The detraction isn't enough
To note all that much difference
The rain has been hurt
Turned to ice
By the clouds that once
Held it safe.

Fade

Time fades the leaves to a soft brown
And the sun bleaches out the grass
To make way for the distance of winter
Greens gives way to shades of red and amber
Rain to snow and warmth to cold
Each it's own master of a season
A change, a fade from one to the other.

Hollow Woman

Hollow circles beneath your eyes
Show the lack of depth behind them
The sleepless nights spent alone
And fake smiles to hide the pain
You think no one sees your sneers of jealousy
The false bravado of superiority you put forth
Is just a mask to hide the emptiness
You think no one sees
You think no one knows
Because you've done it so long
That you want to beleive
The only one you're fooling is yourself
Your disguise falls like shattered glass around you
Reflecting like mirrors the faults
You so desperately try to hide
The empty moments that pervade your existence
And the envy you feel for those who do live
They tell the truth
Even though your lips refuse to speak it
Your lonely existence is your fault alone
Hold not another in consequence for your failure
We are the masters of our own destiny,
Clearly you have chosen yours.

Their Empty Words

They promised
Sunshine and rainbows
When we've learned
The true reality
Is bruises and scars
A deep pain that sees no sun
A burden of sorrow.

They said
Those around you
Will be your strength and life
But all they taught us
Is loss and heartache
Turning face in a moment
And collapsing hope
With harsh words that cut deep.

They fill your head
With illusions and dreams
Only to see them dashed
And broken by the bitter reality
We face every day
That steals out hope
And makes our spirits weak.

They told us all these things
We wanted to believe
But we knew better
We never promised anything
To one another
Only moving forward
With a bond called love
And holding each other up
On the strength within our hearts.

Before You Wake

Before you wake up in the morning
I want you to know that I didn't miss
The tenderness in your voice as you left
Or the thoughtfulness you showed
By just doing the little things
Like forks...
It's good for you to have a break
Some freedom from this undertaking
But I know you don't see it that way.
Know that I will always be okay
Always be safe and careful
Loving you from wherever I am
To wherever you are
And that that will never change.
I never knew how lost without you
I could ever be
But I do now
But it's okay -
I know where your heart calls home...

True Reflections

Never a smile
Always a curt
Straight mouthed sign
Of disappointed bitterness.
I hope you see the mirror
The glass you've so often
Tried to shatter with your coldness
Because it still reflects the truth
As it always will
That deep inside
You are hollow
You care for naught
And all things are clear
Because your own mask
Can't even hide
The empty soul
That resides within.

Mr. Amazing

Who knew that one could ride in

With roses in hand

And make my heart stop for a moment

To make the day a bit brighter

And make the fear pass away

Like a distant memory…

You truly are Mr. Amazing

The one who stole my heart

And keeps it safe next to your own

You’ll never see just who you are to me

Never know how much

I adore the moments when you’re near

And in so many ways

I can’t believe you’re mine

I don’t know what I would be

Without you in my life.

(Untitled)

I couldn’t tell you if you asked

What I miss the most when you’re not here

It could be the smell of you after a long day

The softness of your hair beneath my hand

Or even the depth I see in your brown eyes

Each and every one of these things

I hold dear to me when you’re gone.

It’s the familiar that I miss the most

Of having you physically present

Just near enough to me so that I feel complete

Feel safe and like the world is right.

Each and every thing I fell in love with about you

I miss more and more each time you’re gone

This bond between us is deep and substantial

It’s almost surreal how wonderful it is

I can’t believe I’m so blessed to have you

And you can’t understand the depth my love for you

How much I miss you when you’re not here

And how much I truly do need you

As a part of my life.

Cherishing Your Memory

Time goes by and the leaves fall
Summer to autumn to winter
The frost begins and slowly conquers
A harvested feild before it's blanketed by snow.
There's something in the air that makes me
Miss you just a little bit more
Perhaps it's the thought of halloween bonfires
And trying to find one more trip
Out on the cooling waters of the lakes
But there's something there that makes me think
About all the time we spent together
And the moment that I will always miss.
I know you are there always, guiding me
And that I have never stopped loving you nor you me
But I think of what it would have been like
Had you not been stolen away from me so early
About seeing your grandchildren
And showing them the wonderful and kind
Gentle giant of a man that you were.
I keep you close to my heart in this season
The season of warm family and friends
Of parties and holiday celebrations
Because even though you aren't physically here
I know that you are always with me
Because you are a part of me
And I cherish your memory within my heart.
Know that you are loved and missed
More than words could ever express
And I know one thing more,
That in time, I will see you once again
And without wishing my life away
I look forward to that day.

Lingering Thoughts

I don't know why it lingers
But there's still something there in the back of my head
This fear shouldn't be there
With the time that's passed
With the decisions I've conciously made
But age old fears are long to die
Making my mind run away with me
Thinking thoughts I wish were dead
But there they are, lingering
Swirlling around in my head.

Finished

I could have been better
I could have been more
Had you not decided to quell me
Had you not chosen to take my dreams
I could have soared among the clouds
I could have but I didn't
My visions were made dim
Things were lost that I can never regain
But it's partly my fault too
Because I allowed it
When I never should have.

Things are different now
Though you don't see the tide has changed
You don't see the new birth
What blindness there is in your eyes
Blinded by anger and selfishness
You stumble through life
With no concept of others
Only of yourself
Play the pity party one last time
Because that's all that
You are going to get from me
One last word
One last moment in which you can speak
Before I silence everything.

Cutting the false bond
Never felt so right before
Not like it does now
It was long overdue
But came just at the right moment
It's time for you to know your place
To choke on words
You once used to hurt
And swallow the poison that you
Fed me all of my life
But here's the catch
This is all your own
It's based in truth
And is even harder to swallow
Like razor blades
And deep inside
I hope it cuts the same.

Running Free

I'm finished with being held down
Being grasped by invisible chains
Bearing down on my potential and future
I've broken free from their iron grip
Begun to stretch my wings
I know in my heart that I remember how to fly
Someone taught me once
And I'm not afraid to do it again
I'm not afraid of falling
Because there's always someone to catch me
I will not let myself be held down
I shall not be captured again
Without my permission
I'm done living with fear in my heart
Done with the pain of thinking 'what-if'
It's time to take the plunge
To do what I know that I can
Time to break free
And run wildly through life
Without any notion of where I'm going
Because now, I'll never be alone

Strangers

We are strangers, you and I
Supposed to share a bond deeper than love
We walk this world as strangers
I've been given more by those who once were strangers
Treated better by an unknown person on the street
When I am supposed to feel this connection to you
And call you a name which is held for those dear
I cannot fathom giving that to you or sharing it with you
You do not even know me, what's important to me
You have no idea what goes on in my daily life
Or even care to see what goes on under the surface
You hide behind your selfishness so as not to expose
The empty windows of your soul
The broken panes of glass that have been shattered by bitterness
And swept away with anger
I do no know you, I do not care to anymore
I gave you everything you asked
You are a stranger to me and that's all you'll ever be
And even that - is more than you deserve.

For @hidingout2

Getting thinner, going stronger, going harder
More than what you thought you could
More than you ever knew that you would have to
Your heart is on your sleeve
Beating hard and strong for those around you
But you wear yourself thin taking care of everyone.
Take a moment and breathe, beautiful:
Know that this is just a passing time
And you will come through - stronger, better
It's a hard weight on your shoulders
Just remember that you are never alone
There is warmth in the sunshine
Just as there is warmth in a stranger's smile
Your beautiful heart beats for everyone you care for
It's big and open, bearing so much burden
Know that you will make it through and you can do this
No matter how many times you think you can't...
Beleive in yourself
More importantly...take care of yourself
Remember to breathe a little each day
Crack a smile when it doesn't seem possible
And savor the little moments of comfort
No matter how briefly they are there
Look into the mirror and see strength and love
A woman whose hands have done only good and cared for the world
See the resolve behind your eyes and know that you can...
It seems like so much upon you right now
But just remember, you are never alone - never.

Wishes

Should be feeling elated

Now I’m worried that about things

I cannot control

And feeling dismayed

At the possibilities that may unfold.

I wish I had the answers

Wish I knew the correct

Way in which to change things

But I have to see that I can’t

Control what actions are not my own.

I know the feeling will fade

And that all will come to pass

That is meant to be

I cannot worry about the ‘what ifs’

Or what even the ‘maybes’ hold

But it’s not fair

In so many ways

I wish things were different

But they aren’t

They aren’t and won’t be

In so many ways

But I can still wish

There’s nothing wrong with that

I wish…

But I’d only be fooling myself.

Alone

I want to feel wanted

Perhaps it’s something inside

A deep unlocked yearning

Because I feel so vulnerable right now

So exposed and overly naked

Emotionally

I have a need to feel close

To be close

To want to feel like I’m not alone

Because right now

That’s how I feel

All alone…

Shattered And Broken

I can't sleep
I feel so broken
Like everything is wrong
And it's all my fault
If I had been better
If I had been more
Perhaps I wouldn't have done anything
Maybe these tears would end
And I could sleep
But I feel so empty
I've never felt this way before
I feel like I've lost my heart
And without it
I don't want to live
I don't want to do anything
Perhaps if I lie in bed
Sleep may come
But I don't deserve it
I don't deserve anything right now
I am an idiot
A wicked person
Who deserves nothing
I don't want forgiveness
I want you back
I want this hole inside gone
And I'm not sure
If I've done too much
Or if you even want me any more
I don't know what to do
I'm sitting here waiting
You aren't even awake
You don't even have any idea
How much inside I'm breaking
How much I wish I could take it all back
How I just want to lie next to you
And hear you say that we're okay
But I won't get that
I don't deserve that
I don't deserve you
I don't deserve anything anymore
Apparently
I've done irreparable damage
And I can't fix it
I don't know how
I wish you were there
I want you to know
That you have my heart
You are my heart
And I don't want to lose you
Even though
I think I already have.
The tears won't stop
They won't stop for anything
I can't close my eyes
All I see is pain
All I see is the empty bed
That is next to me
And wonder if you will
Ever want to occupy it again with me
What can I do but sit here
And wait to hear from you
But I'm so broken
That I don't know
What to do right now
I'm so broken,
My heart is shattered into pieces
And it's all my fault.

I Need You Because I'm Scared

I love so deeply
Part of me is scared how much
I've never delved this deep before
Never felt this way before
Something scares me
It's just around the corner
I don't know what to do
I know what I want
To feel safe
And to be one forever.
It seems so far away
And yet so close
I know who I am
But this is all new to me
And confusing me
My heart is so ready
But my head rationalizes too much
I feel broken
I want to be fixed
I don't know how though
What will make this right?
What will make me right again?

I miss you so much
You have no idea
What it's been like since you're not here
I can't seem to find the words
To tell you what I want to say
Can't find the moment
To tell you how much
That I want you to be there
Walking beside me
Telling me that I'm doing the right thing
You always seemed to know
But I don't know what to do anymore
I'm not right
You're missing
And I can't replace the hole you left
Perhaps I've tried too hard.

And now this time comes
When I need your arm the most
To give me away to the one I love
And you aren't here to do so
Something about that
Isn't right to me
Because I feel unsteady
I've always been able to walk
On my own two feet
But I feel as though
There is no one to lean on
Besides the one whom I will spend my life
And I can't depend all on him
Please,
Where are you?
I need you now more than ever
Not just your face
Smiling in my memory.
Please show me how to feel
Better than I am right now
Because I'm scared
For far too many reasons.

Repairing Your Sight

You tear me apart bit by bit

The words you say are like a knife to my heart

Even though you don’t know it

But you do, with every painful memory

That you hold on to like a security blanket.

If I could make you see

Remove the darkness from your eyes

I could show you so much more

But I know that you don’t want to see

You are afraid of what is there

Afraid that your world

Will be shattered in a moment

By the reality which surrounds you.

I cannot repair the broken mirror

In which you view your true self

I cannot repair you

But you are not beyond repair

You are more than you know

If you could only see

But you have to remove

The blindfold yourself.