Bitter Enclosure

Do you ever have those day
Where it seems like curling up in a ball
And sobbing is something you think you need
To feel so trapped inside a box
Frustrated that there's no way out
Putting forth effort with minimal results?
This is my day, sometimes my life
I wish there were a key to this prison.

Icing

It's raining ice
A subtle reflection of my mood
Falling and striking down
Melting where it lands
Melting cold
Unlike the hot tears
That have flowed this morning
The detraction isn't enough
To note all that much difference
The rain has been hurt
Turned to ice
By the clouds that once
Held it safe.

Their Empty Words

They promised
Sunshine and rainbows
When we've learned
The true reality
Is bruises and scars
A deep pain that sees no sun
A burden of sorrow.

They said
Those around you
Will be your strength and life
But all they taught us
Is loss and heartache
Turning face in a moment
And collapsing hope
With harsh words that cut deep.

They fill your head
With illusions and dreams
Only to see them dashed
And broken by the bitter reality
We face every day
That steals out hope
And makes our spirits weak.

They told us all these things
We wanted to believe
But we knew better
We never promised anything
To one another
Only moving forward
With a bond called love
And holding each other up
On the strength within our hearts.

Cherishing Your Memory

Time goes by and the leaves fall
Summer to autumn to winter
The frost begins and slowly conquers
A harvested feild before it's blanketed by snow.
There's something in the air that makes me
Miss you just a little bit more
Perhaps it's the thought of halloween bonfires
And trying to find one more trip
Out on the cooling waters of the lakes
But there's something there that makes me think
About all the time we spent together
And the moment that I will always miss.
I know you are there always, guiding me
And that I have never stopped loving you nor you me
But I think of what it would have been like
Had you not been stolen away from me so early
About seeing your grandchildren
And showing them the wonderful and kind
Gentle giant of a man that you were.
I keep you close to my heart in this season
The season of warm family and friends
Of parties and holiday celebrations
Because even though you aren't physically here
I know that you are always with me
Because you are a part of me
And I cherish your memory within my heart.
Know that you are loved and missed
More than words could ever express
And I know one thing more,
That in time, I will see you once again
And without wishing my life away
I look forward to that day.

Finished

I could have been better
I could have been more
Had you not decided to quell me
Had you not chosen to take my dreams
I could have soared among the clouds
I could have but I didn't
My visions were made dim
Things were lost that I can never regain
But it's partly my fault too
Because I allowed it
When I never should have.

Things are different now
Though you don't see the tide has changed
You don't see the new birth
What blindness there is in your eyes
Blinded by anger and selfishness
You stumble through life
With no concept of others
Only of yourself
Play the pity party one last time
Because that's all that
You are going to get from me
One last word
One last moment in which you can speak
Before I silence everything.

Cutting the false bond
Never felt so right before
Not like it does now
It was long overdue
But came just at the right moment
It's time for you to know your place
To choke on words
You once used to hurt
And swallow the poison that you
Fed me all of my life
But here's the catch
This is all your own
It's based in truth
And is even harder to swallow
Like razor blades
And deep inside
I hope it cuts the same.

Strangers

We are strangers, you and I
Supposed to share a bond deeper than love
We walk this world as strangers
I've been given more by those who once were strangers
Treated better by an unknown person on the street
When I am supposed to feel this connection to you
And call you a name which is held for those dear
I cannot fathom giving that to you or sharing it with you
You do not even know me, what's important to me
You have no idea what goes on in my daily life
Or even care to see what goes on under the surface
You hide behind your selfishness so as not to expose
The empty windows of your soul
The broken panes of glass that have been shattered by bitterness
And swept away with anger
I do no know you, I do not care to anymore
I gave you everything you asked
You are a stranger to me and that's all you'll ever be
And even that - is more than you deserve.

Wishes

Should be feeling elated

Now I’m worried that about things

I cannot control

And feeling dismayed

At the possibilities that may unfold.

I wish I had the answers

Wish I knew the correct

Way in which to change things

But I have to see that I can’t

Control what actions are not my own.

I know the feeling will fade

And that all will come to pass

That is meant to be

I cannot worry about the ‘what ifs’

Or what even the ‘maybes’ hold

But it’s not fair

In so many ways

I wish things were different

But they aren’t

They aren’t and won’t be

In so many ways

But I can still wish

There’s nothing wrong with that

I wish…

But I’d only be fooling myself.

Alone

I want to feel wanted

Perhaps it’s something inside

A deep unlocked yearning

Because I feel so vulnerable right now

So exposed and overly naked

Emotionally

I have a need to feel close

To be close

To want to feel like I’m not alone

Because right now

That’s how I feel

All alone…

Shoulder My Own

I don't want who I am
Or my lack of abilities
To rest upon anyones shoulders
But my own
Because they are mine to bear
And mine alone.
I will not be a burden
I cannot do that
It's not who I am
And who I shall never be
But I fear as though
I am becoming one
With each passing day
And it breaks my heart...
I should be able
To shoulder my own weight.

Shattered And Broken

I can't sleep
I feel so broken
Like everything is wrong
And it's all my fault
If I had been better
If I had been more
Perhaps I wouldn't have done anything
Maybe these tears would end
And I could sleep
But I feel so empty
I've never felt this way before
I feel like I've lost my heart
And without it
I don't want to live
I don't want to do anything
Perhaps if I lie in bed
Sleep may come
But I don't deserve it
I don't deserve anything right now
I am an idiot
A wicked person
Who deserves nothing
I don't want forgiveness
I want you back
I want this hole inside gone
And I'm not sure
If I've done too much
Or if you even want me any more
I don't know what to do
I'm sitting here waiting
You aren't even awake
You don't even have any idea
How much inside I'm breaking
How much I wish I could take it all back
How I just want to lie next to you
And hear you say that we're okay
But I won't get that
I don't deserve that
I don't deserve you
I don't deserve anything anymore
Apparently
I've done irreparable damage
And I can't fix it
I don't know how
I wish you were there
I want you to know
That you have my heart
You are my heart
And I don't want to lose you
Even though
I think I already have.
The tears won't stop
They won't stop for anything
I can't close my eyes
All I see is pain
All I see is the empty bed
That is next to me
And wonder if you will
Ever want to occupy it again with me
What can I do but sit here
And wait to hear from you
But I'm so broken
That I don't know
What to do right now
I'm so broken,
My heart is shattered into pieces
And it's all my fault.

I Love You @webkenny

I hope you know
Just how much I love you
So much that if I had to
I could let you go
Though it would break my heart
Because I always want what's best
For you and you always
That's how much you mean
That's how big of a part of my heart
That you have become.

Sitting here in tears
Contemplating the future
I can't understand the moments
Which seemed so small before
All the reassurances
That you gave me
In each passing moment
That I never really saw.

I know that you won't leave or stray
But I feel better when you're here
I've been so lost before
And I didn't find my heart
Until you picked it up
And gave it back to me
Repaired and new
Not knowing just how much
That it would love you
And beat for you forever.

I know I have my worries
I know I have my faults
There's so much more I wish
That I could be for you
There's so much more
I want to give to you
But with me
You can have everything you want
You can have whatever
I just want you
Here and now
With me forever.

I hope you know
Just how much I love you
That those words are not just words
They mean the world to me
And I never say them
When I don't mean them
I would waste a thousand tears
If I ever said them
Without true meaning behind them,
I love you
And I mean it, more than you know.

I Need You Because I'm Scared

I love so deeply
Part of me is scared how much
I've never delved this deep before
Never felt this way before
Something scares me
It's just around the corner
I don't know what to do
I know what I want
To feel safe
And to be one forever.
It seems so far away
And yet so close
I know who I am
But this is all new to me
And confusing me
My heart is so ready
But my head rationalizes too much
I feel broken
I want to be fixed
I don't know how though
What will make this right?
What will make me right again?

I miss you so much
You have no idea
What it's been like since you're not here
I can't seem to find the words
To tell you what I want to say
Can't find the moment
To tell you how much
That I want you to be there
Walking beside me
Telling me that I'm doing the right thing
You always seemed to know
But I don't know what to do anymore
I'm not right
You're missing
And I can't replace the hole you left
Perhaps I've tried too hard.

And now this time comes
When I need your arm the most
To give me away to the one I love
And you aren't here to do so
Something about that
Isn't right to me
Because I feel unsteady
I've always been able to walk
On my own two feet
But I feel as though
There is no one to lean on
Besides the one whom I will spend my life
And I can't depend all on him
Please,
Where are you?
I need you now more than ever
Not just your face
Smiling in my memory.
Please show me how to feel
Better than I am right now
Because I'm scared
For far too many reasons.

Pain

So tired of fighting
Exhausted of bearing
Each moment with a smile
When my body is screaming
I don't know what to do
Sick of the stabbing
The aching, the burning
Constant waves of pain
Washing down my body
Like hell fire.
Is it too much to ask
To just be able to walk
To be able to sleep
Just be able to live
To just be able to be
Free of this pain?
It brings darkness
Quick temper and shortness
Wears down every nicety...
Wears me down to nothing
I just want to be free.

Void

when you're not near
It feels as though my strength wanes
As if my soul has been ripped in half
And it won't repair until you're here again.
I find myself longing uncontrollably
Just for the touch of your hand and skin
To be near the welcoming warmth of your body
And encompass myself in your arms.
I can't begin to tell you
Just how incomplete I am without you
How much you are a part of my heart
How dependent I am upon you
In more ways than I could ever understand.
Having you away makes the nights long and empty
I'm unable to fill the void left behind
I'm just starting to comprehend
The way that my heart beats in sync with yours.
I cannot wait until you're here again
And the air becomes breathable
The nights become restful again
And this void is filled
Any my world complete once again.

Sweet Lullaby

The desire to lay next to you
With your arms wrapped around me
And holding me close
Overwhelms me right now
To feel the breath in your chest
Rise and fall against my bare back
Knowing that here I am safe and wanted
With eyes slowly closing
And all within me relaxed and soothed
By the mere comfort of your presence
In your arms is where I want to be.
I want to place my hand on your chest
Feel your heart beat beneath my palm
And run my fingers through your chest hair
I want to look into your eyes
As they close and you drift off to sleep
To know that everything is right
And that this is the only place in the world
Where I could ever want to be
And let my eyes close softly
And join you in our sweet sleepy lullaby.

Birthday Wishes for my Father

It's your birthday again
I can't help but wonder
How we would have celebrated this year
You were never a fan of gifts
But spending the day with you
Was all I ever wanted to do
It's still what I want to do now.
Do you age in heaven?
I suppose perhaps that's an earthly thing
I guess I won't understand
Until I see your face again
Know that I still celebrate
Your life in my heart
Because without your life
I wouldn't have my own.
So here's to you
The man who was my first love
And always will be
The one who taught me laughter and love
To the man who reminded me how to live
Happy birthday
To my beloved father
Whom I love and miss
With all of my heart.

Dependent

I feel as though missing you
With all that is within me
Makes me dependent on you
I've never needed anyone before
Never even needed anything this bad
But something about you
Is what draws me in
And in every way
Distance proves to me
That you are my other half
And how can I live
With half of my heart missing?
I guess that does make me
Dependent upon you
In more ways then I wish to be
Perhaps this is what love
Has been teaching me all along,
That I need others
That I need you most of all.

Shower

Standing in the shower

Letting the warm water 

Run over my body

Just a few minutes more

Imagining it's your warmth

Against my skin

Holding me close

Covering me like a safety net.

If I can delude myself

For just a few moments

Of the emptiness of this place

Without you here

I'll take it.

In my mind

I can smell your

Freshly showered skin

As I step from my own shower

Half expecting to see you

Towelling off too

As I enter our bedroom

I can almost smell your soap

In the moist air around me

And it makes me feel home again.

Thinking of all the small moments

That I love to share with you

Cuts the loneliness just enough

So that I can bare the empty space

Until I can return to your arms.

Where I Belong

Laying with your arms around me
Holding me close to your chest
Smelling you skin
Listening to your heartbeat
Feeling the heat of your body
Radiate with mine
And feeling content and safe,
This is where I belong.
Knowing that your heart beats
To the rhythm of mine
And the same love flows from it
Reminds me that this is my place
Right by your side, in your arms
This is where I belong
I never want to leave this place
To ever lose this moment
Knowing that this is home to me
Where you are
Is where I always want to be
In this bed
In this moment
In your arms
I am home
Where I belong.

What's Broken?

Where are we?
I just don't know right now
I feel as though you're hiding
Your heart and feelings from me
What is it?
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Everything I tell you
You accuse me of hiding
But here I am
Trying to share
Trying to be open
But I feel locked out
Of your world
I feel like something is broken
And I don't know what it is...