Bitter Enclosure

Do you ever have those day
Where it seems like curling up in a ball
And sobbing is something you think you need
To feel so trapped inside a box
Frustrated that there's no way out
Putting forth effort with minimal results?
This is my day, sometimes my life
I wish there were a key to this prison.

Sleepy Live Ode

When silence falls on darkened eyes
Memories of warmth in moonlight
Pervade the sleeping mind
Of shallow breaths and long kisses
Once partaken like forbidden ambrosia
In secret by a lake calm beneath the stars.

As the eyelids droop moments become dreams
Invading the subconscious with love and life
Deepening connection and bond
That already runs deep into the soul
And peace descends like snow
Falling gently on sleepy hearts of old.

Oh! To when love turns to memory
And fades from life to dreams
Caused by distance of two hearts
Bound by more than romance, sewn as one
But now to sleep and in dreams reunite
Until arms clench the breast of love once more.

Untitled

I'm going to miss you
More than I let on
Because I have to pretend
It's just another day
My world is complete
Though it's like living a lie
Because nothing is the same
Without you here with me.
It's just temporary
That I realize
But it feels so wrong
Going to an empty bed
To retire from an absent day...
But stoically I will face this time
Until it ends
Small sacrifices for great years ahead.

Their Empty Words

They promised
Sunshine and rainbows
When we've learned
The true reality
Is bruises and scars
A deep pain that sees no sun
A burden of sorrow.

They said
Those around you
Will be your strength and life
But all they taught us
Is loss and heartache
Turning face in a moment
And collapsing hope
With harsh words that cut deep.

They fill your head
With illusions and dreams
Only to see them dashed
And broken by the bitter reality
We face every day
That steals out hope
And makes our spirits weak.

They told us all these things
We wanted to believe
But we knew better
We never promised anything
To one another
Only moving forward
With a bond called love
And holding each other up
On the strength within our hearts.

Before You Wake

Before you wake up in the morning
I want you to know that I didn't miss
The tenderness in your voice as you left
Or the thoughtfulness you showed
By just doing the little things
Like forks...
It's good for you to have a break
Some freedom from this undertaking
But I know you don't see it that way.
Know that I will always be okay
Always be safe and careful
Loving you from wherever I am
To wherever you are
And that that will never change.
I never knew how lost without you
I could ever be
But I do now
But it's okay -
I know where your heart calls home...

True Reflections

Never a smile
Always a curt
Straight mouthed sign
Of disappointed bitterness.
I hope you see the mirror
The glass you've so often
Tried to shatter with your coldness
Because it still reflects the truth
As it always will
That deep inside
You are hollow
You care for naught
And all things are clear
Because your own mask
Can't even hide
The empty soul
That resides within.

Cherishing Your Memory

Time goes by and the leaves fall
Summer to autumn to winter
The frost begins and slowly conquers
A harvested feild before it's blanketed by snow.
There's something in the air that makes me
Miss you just a little bit more
Perhaps it's the thought of halloween bonfires
And trying to find one more trip
Out on the cooling waters of the lakes
But there's something there that makes me think
About all the time we spent together
And the moment that I will always miss.
I know you are there always, guiding me
And that I have never stopped loving you nor you me
But I think of what it would have been like
Had you not been stolen away from me so early
About seeing your grandchildren
And showing them the wonderful and kind
Gentle giant of a man that you were.
I keep you close to my heart in this season
The season of warm family and friends
Of parties and holiday celebrations
Because even though you aren't physically here
I know that you are always with me
Because you are a part of me
And I cherish your memory within my heart.
Know that you are loved and missed
More than words could ever express
And I know one thing more,
That in time, I will see you once again
And without wishing my life away
I look forward to that day.

Autumn

The smell of leaves
Decaying and crumbling on the ground
An intoxicating aroma
Filling every sense of myself
And turning me into an addict of the fall.
Scents of warm spices and warm drinks
Shared with friends and family
Bundled up in light jackets
Surrounded by the soft glow of candles
Lighting pumpkins with strewn faces
And cornucopias of plenty.
Horse drawn wagons filled with straw
Being pulled across darkened apple orchards
This is what fall is about
The moments of time
Surrounded in bold colors and warm glows
Of sun gleaming through trees
Shedding the leaves of growth
To make a blanket for the upcoming snow
And shelter the earth from the bitter winter
This is the season
This is the time of year
For hearts to glow and warm the soul
An amazing reflection of the days gone by
And the warmness of the days
Which are to come.

Lingering Thoughts

I don't know why it lingers
But there's still something there in the back of my head
This fear shouldn't be there
With the time that's passed
With the decisions I've conciously made
But age old fears are long to die
Making my mind run away with me
Thinking thoughts I wish were dead
But there they are, lingering
Swirlling around in my head.

Running Free

I'm finished with being held down
Being grasped by invisible chains
Bearing down on my potential and future
I've broken free from their iron grip
Begun to stretch my wings
I know in my heart that I remember how to fly
Someone taught me once
And I'm not afraid to do it again
I'm not afraid of falling
Because there's always someone to catch me
I will not let myself be held down
I shall not be captured again
Without my permission
I'm done living with fear in my heart
Done with the pain of thinking 'what-if'
It's time to take the plunge
To do what I know that I can
Time to break free
And run wildly through life
Without any notion of where I'm going
Because now, I'll never be alone

Changed

Something in my face has changed

It’s subtle but it’s there

A new line or break

Overwhelming of contentment

Behind my eyes

Etched upon my forehead.

The actual switch

I don’t know when it occurred

Could it have been the moment

In which I took my vows

Or the one where I saw your face

--It doesn’t really matter

From that single moment

My life has changed for good.

Two Years to the Day

Two years to the day

When I first saw your smile

Light up your eyes

When you looked at me.

It will be two years to the day

From the time that I first

Looked to you standing there

Waiting to meet me face to face.

Two years to the day

When I first heard you sing

To something more

Than just a melodious tune

But allowing a window to your soul.

Two years to the day

When I first laughed at you

For not connecting one to two

But you joined along with me

Knowing how foolish it was.

And now, two years to the day

I will give you my hand

For all the world to see

And never remove it

Because now two years to the day

I know that I can never live without you.

Wishes

Should be feeling elated

Now I’m worried that about things

I cannot control

And feeling dismayed

At the possibilities that may unfold.

I wish I had the answers

Wish I knew the correct

Way in which to change things

But I have to see that I can’t

Control what actions are not my own.

I know the feeling will fade

And that all will come to pass

That is meant to be

I cannot worry about the ‘what ifs’

Or what even the ‘maybes’ hold

But it’s not fair

In so many ways

I wish things were different

But they aren’t

They aren’t and won’t be

In so many ways

But I can still wish

There’s nothing wrong with that

I wish…

But I’d only be fooling myself.

Alone

I want to feel wanted

Perhaps it’s something inside

A deep unlocked yearning

Because I feel so vulnerable right now

So exposed and overly naked

Emotionally

I have a need to feel close

To be close

To want to feel like I’m not alone

Because right now

That’s how I feel

All alone…

Shoulder My Own

I don't want who I am
Or my lack of abilities
To rest upon anyones shoulders
But my own
Because they are mine to bear
And mine alone.
I will not be a burden
I cannot do that
It's not who I am
And who I shall never be
But I fear as though
I am becoming one
With each passing day
And it breaks my heart...
I should be able
To shoulder my own weight.

It Was Always There

If the feeling that I lost you wasn't enough
I can't remember a time when
I have ever felt as though the world was dead
And I didn't want to be a part of it.
Knowing the truth, for what it really is
Made all the more sense regardless of stupidity.
We are all who we are, imperfect and insecure
But when you have found that stronghold
You cling to it because it is yours alone
To hold on to forever...
I thought I lost my stronghold
I thought I lost my life and reason for breathing
But apparently it was there
Just picking up a few broken shards of my heart
Trying to put them back together again
And give them back to me.

Shattered And Broken

I can't sleep
I feel so broken
Like everything is wrong
And it's all my fault
If I had been better
If I had been more
Perhaps I wouldn't have done anything
Maybe these tears would end
And I could sleep
But I feel so empty
I've never felt this way before
I feel like I've lost my heart
And without it
I don't want to live
I don't want to do anything
Perhaps if I lie in bed
Sleep may come
But I don't deserve it
I don't deserve anything right now
I am an idiot
A wicked person
Who deserves nothing
I don't want forgiveness
I want you back
I want this hole inside gone
And I'm not sure
If I've done too much
Or if you even want me any more
I don't know what to do
I'm sitting here waiting
You aren't even awake
You don't even have any idea
How much inside I'm breaking
How much I wish I could take it all back
How I just want to lie next to you
And hear you say that we're okay
But I won't get that
I don't deserve that
I don't deserve you
I don't deserve anything anymore
Apparently
I've done irreparable damage
And I can't fix it
I don't know how
I wish you were there
I want you to know
That you have my heart
You are my heart
And I don't want to lose you
Even though
I think I already have.
The tears won't stop
They won't stop for anything
I can't close my eyes
All I see is pain
All I see is the empty bed
That is next to me
And wonder if you will
Ever want to occupy it again with me
What can I do but sit here
And wait to hear from you
But I'm so broken
That I don't know
What to do right now
I'm so broken,
My heart is shattered into pieces
And it's all my fault.

I Need You Because I'm Scared

I love so deeply
Part of me is scared how much
I've never delved this deep before
Never felt this way before
Something scares me
It's just around the corner
I don't know what to do
I know what I want
To feel safe
And to be one forever.
It seems so far away
And yet so close
I know who I am
But this is all new to me
And confusing me
My heart is so ready
But my head rationalizes too much
I feel broken
I want to be fixed
I don't know how though
What will make this right?
What will make me right again?

I miss you so much
You have no idea
What it's been like since you're not here
I can't seem to find the words
To tell you what I want to say
Can't find the moment
To tell you how much
That I want you to be there
Walking beside me
Telling me that I'm doing the right thing
You always seemed to know
But I don't know what to do anymore
I'm not right
You're missing
And I can't replace the hole you left
Perhaps I've tried too hard.

And now this time comes
When I need your arm the most
To give me away to the one I love
And you aren't here to do so
Something about that
Isn't right to me
Because I feel unsteady
I've always been able to walk
On my own two feet
But I feel as though
There is no one to lean on
Besides the one whom I will spend my life
And I can't depend all on him
Please,
Where are you?
I need you now more than ever
Not just your face
Smiling in my memory.
Please show me how to feel
Better than I am right now
Because I'm scared
For far too many reasons.

Repairing Your Sight

You tear me apart bit by bit

The words you say are like a knife to my heart

Even though you don’t know it

But you do, with every painful memory

That you hold on to like a security blanket.

If I could make you see

Remove the darkness from your eyes

I could show you so much more

But I know that you don’t want to see

You are afraid of what is there

Afraid that your world

Will be shattered in a moment

By the reality which surrounds you.

I cannot repair the broken mirror

In which you view your true self

I cannot repair you

But you are not beyond repair

You are more than you know

If you could only see

But you have to remove

The blindfold yourself.

Pain

So tired of fighting
Exhausted of bearing
Each moment with a smile
When my body is screaming
I don't know what to do
Sick of the stabbing
The aching, the burning
Constant waves of pain
Washing down my body
Like hell fire.
Is it too much to ask
To just be able to walk
To be able to sleep
Just be able to live
To just be able to be
Free of this pain?
It brings darkness
Quick temper and shortness
Wears down every nicety...
Wears me down to nothing
I just want to be free.